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Mom Entrepreneurs: Between Business and the Kids – How Do You Find Time for Your Marriage?

As I’m going through a thrilling time of professional growth, I’m going through the most difficult time personally, as I work to keep my marriage together. As most mom entrepreneurs can relate to there are so many things to juggle – work, kids, marriage, self, friendships and family. Keeping them all going is hard and right now my marriage is the piece that’s challenged.

Last Friday I attended Debbie Phillips Woman on Fire Tea Party in NYC. Debbie’s question to the 15 women present, was “What are you on fire about, or not?” I was second to the last to answer and surprisingly enough I ended up sharing some of the emotional tolls my entrepreneurial life has been having on my personal life, especially my marriage.

Things began changing when my husband lost his job. I fantasized that he’d want to jump on board with Metromom and run with certain parts of the business. BUT it’s my dream, not his. He’s supportive and helps out but not to the degree that I’d like. I’ve come to realize that’s part of the challenge of running a business – lots of ideas and visions for the future but you often go it alone.

As women we compartmentalize. But it’s taking a toll on me. I’m not sleeping well and I’m perpetually tired. (Good news is I’m eating well, since that’s often something to go for me). Yet at the same time, as I’m birthing new divisions of my business, my creativity is at a new height. I’m inspired and often spend my sleepless nights writing about my ideas, clarity, truth and vulnerability.

The truth is I’ve let my focus over these months be business and kids and I haven’t attended to my marriage. Date nights have been a thing of the past, and we’ve neglected finding moments in the day to connect about that which is important to us. We’ve become roommates, two ships passing in the night. I truly love him, who he is as a man and a father, but I can’t seem to connect with him.

There are limited hours in the day to connect which is really painful for me since at my core I’m a connector and value that above most things in my life. I’m seeing that it’s important for my husband and I to take the time, invest in ourselves, figure out how to reconnect, be the parents we want to be, instill the values we want in our children and have fun together.

I’ve always been a fighter when it comes to relationships. The friendships that I have, I treasure and I invest time into nurturing them. I’ve not been doing that with my husband. But I’m committed to changing that pattern. We had our first session with a new therapist with the goal of reconnecting and bringing fun back into our lives. Realistically, it’s not going to happen for us without a third party, and honestly it’s nice carving out the therapy time just for us.

Here I am turning 45 with a business I love, kids I love (but who challenge and exhaust me with their varying demands) and a marriage that needs some TLC.

Why am I sharing this? My dad has asked me my whole life, “Kim, why do you need to drop your pants for everyone?” The fact is this is who I’ve always been, someone who’s brutally honest. As I’ve stepped into having an internet-based business the challenge for me becomes how much of that truth do I let out? For me, I intuitively know the answer – that if I can share what I’m going through (as long as I’m working to improve it), I trust that others can benefit. I can’t be the only one going through this.

Please feel free to share your own struggles caring for your marriage, your kids and your business. FYI – If you’re a member of Metromom’s Get It Done Circle you can always ask questions and get great tips from our relationship expert Dr. PattyAnn.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 6th, 2009 at 10:31 pm and is filed under Entrepreneurial Moms & Women. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Kim--

    I so love and appreciate your honesty and candor. Thank you for being willing to share your struggles. We all have them, and it's helpful to see how you're dealing with yours.

    I "heard" many things in your post: trepidation about turning 45 and being in midlife, expectations not matching up with reality, and more. I can certainly relate. I think what helps me keep my marriage strong while raising kids and building a business is having clear boundaries on when I work and when I don't. It's very easy for me to let my "business time" bleed into anytime. I've learned the hard way that I need to put time with my husband into the schedule, just as I would a teleseminar or anything else I do for my business. Sometimes we just watch a DVR'd show and then chat afterwards. Other times he sits in the kitchen and chats while I prepare dinner. We have re-learned how to be intentional about seizing the moments and really "seeing" each other. Long after the kids are grown I want to be growing old with this amazing man.
    Oh--and another trick someone once told me is that if you can kiss each other for 30 seconds once a day, you'll feel more intimate: even if you don't start off feeling intimate when you do it. Thirty seconds is a long time!

    Hugs to you for being real and vulnerable.
    You rock.

    Karen :)O
  • I want to thank each and every one of the amazing women who commented on my story. I greatly appreciate your compassion. I took the leap of faith in sharing my truth that it'd be all for the good, and others would be supported in knowing they're not alone Your words have confirmed to me that honestly (regardless of how difficult) is definitely the way to go. Thank you so much!! Big hugs to all of you. Kim
  • Kim,

    Wow, what an amazing woman you are. Way to go for telling yourself and others the truth about what it is really like. By being real and vulnerable, I believe you give others the same permission - to tell the truth about what is really going on beneath the surface. I am thrilled that you have decided to ask for help. I am sending positive thoughts your way as you proceed on this journey. All the best, Gerrianne
  • Stacy
    Thank you, Kim, for being so honest and open with us. I think it brings us all closer together when we share our deepest thoughts and feelings and helps us realize we all go through things like this.
  • I am awed by your ability to share such personal information so publicly. It's just another wonderful aspect of you. I've been through what you're going through in my marriage. We've always managed to work it out. Communication is key for us. When we start to fall apart, we know it's time to talk things through. I'm honored to be a part of your circle. Keep fighting the good fight.
  • As a Divorce and Life Reinvention Coach, I work with many women who feel disconnected from their marriages.

    In many instances, divorce is NOT the answer. In fact, approaching your marriage with the same intention and attention as your business, children and friends is often how one can reclaim what you truly desire.

    It is most important to manage your life, and all of the areas that need your attention, by managing the OUTCOMES you want, not just the "to do lists".

    Great post, Kim! The things that are not talked about enough! Thank you for your honesty and candor!
  • Lea
    Hi, Kim! Well, you took the words right out of my mouth so I just had to respond. :) No, you're not alone. I've been vascillating between entrepreneurship overdrive and, shall we say, "neutral." I think that part of my problem has been my feelings of disconnectedness from my husband that seem to result from my "overdrive" times.

    Right now, we are back in connection mode. But this time, I'm trying to find a better balance between family and my professional dreams. I also don't want to wish away this time in my life while my kids are small... and I want to be available to them when they need me!

    *sigh* I guess if it were easy, everyone would do this. Right? Wishing you guys the very best in all this! XO
  • I'll jump in here with a couple thoughts.

    First, ladies, most of us have been or are in the same position of many different hats to wear from kids, business, husband, friends, hobbies, etc. etc. etc.

    I am a bit older now and my kids are grown, but I still find that I want to be able to do and share with the kids and grandkids as they grow ( so instead of it ending when the kids grow up, we just add their kids to our list!).

    One thing I will strongly suggest to everyone is to CONTROL your own calendar. If you are running your own business, you need to set hours and days you work. You need to COMMITT to turning off the computer and the phone at dinner and family time! It's really not that difficult once you start. SET OFFICE HOURS and keep them. Tell your business partners, team members, hostesses, customers, etc. Do not let people TALK you into working when you have a day off scheduled; ESPECIALLY if it is to spend family or hubby time!

    Do not be afraid to ask (not whine or complain, but just ask) when you need help. I have found over the years, most men don't get it. They will step up if you specifically ask them to do this or that. They just seriously do not think of the things we want done, so unless you ask, they don't do it. You may have to ask a couple times, but do it. They generally will help more if they know explicitly what you want them to do.

    Finally, I would say look at the last time you went out of your way for your husband to show him how much you care. They are really fragile creatures (don't tell them I said so, but we women know it's true!) and need and respond well to encouragement instead of criticism; and appreciation instead of complaints.

    I will say, in a perfect world, we wouldn't have to do all this, but this is the world we live in ladies and in order to be happy, we need to work with what we have been given. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as how we decide to handle it. We truly have the ability to decide how things will impact us.

    I choose to find ways to work with my husband, family and business so we are all happier.

    Good luck to all,
    Marlene
  • Great post. I am in the same situation. I find it extremely hard to find time for my husband. I find that he doesn't do has much has he could to help me out with the chores and the kids. Taking time for him has started to be just more thing to do on the "to do list" just another thing that needs to be done..and the list is already so long...I would rather sleep. I have enough to do. He can sleep in the morning. Would he get up at 5am to spend an hour alone with me? hum..
    Understand that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But right now I have exhausted the time I can give. He would need to give me time and he's a guy! :-) Not sure what to do.....
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