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My Very Personal Mom Entrepreneur Dilemma – How Much Do You Share with a 10-Year old?

It was three hours before my Telesummit went live, I had a million details to wrap up, when I received an email from my 10-year old daughter that made me drop everything. A few hours earlier she’d come into my office asking me for help on a project (that was ironically about Who She Admires Most – and she wanted it to be about me), and I’d told her I’d be right there. Well, in my busy-ness, that time came and went, and she wasn’t happy.

Her email was entitled “Suggestion” and said “Just as a suggestion if you can’t help me then you shouldn’t say that you can and that you will be done in a few minutes when really you can’t help… So just say no if you are busy so that I don’t have to wait when I can go to someone else to just get it over with.” OUCH!

The fact is that this month in preparation for the summit, I’ve been less than present as a mom, and my kids were definitely noticing the difference. Even though I’ve loved every minute of Telesummit preparation from interviewing all 18 speakers, to writing a huge amount of emails, to managing all the details to make it run smoothly, I’ve not been particularly balanced this month. I’ve not exercised once, was forgetting to drink as much water as I should, and was definitely not spending the quality time with my children and husband that I usually do.

Since my husband Allan lost his job in December, he was fortunately in position to fully jump in and help manage our household. The kids enjoyed their time with him but there are times when they just need (and want) time with their mom. With my husband’s recent job loss I’ve also felt a lot more financial pressure, that I’ve not voiced to many, and that’s created an underlying energy in our home that I’m sure my kids are picking up on.

It was time for a heart-to-heart.

As I went into Tasha’s room, after receiving her email, I was torn with how much to share with her. I certainly knew I needed to apologize to her sincerely for my lack of attention, but I felt I wanted to give her more of an explanation.

Looking at her serious big brown eyes, I recalled a memory of me as a 10-year old where my mother shared something serious with me. Even though I don’t recall the details, I do remember that it caused me to be very protective of her and become more adult than a little girl should have to be. As a parent, I want to protect my children from being in that position. Is it right or is it wrong? I don’t know, but it’s how I feel. My children already got enough external stimuli pulling at them to grow up quickly, and I want to slow it down and let them enjoy their childhood.

Despite these doubts, I felt like Tasha deserved an explanation as to why I’d been pre-occupied more than normal. I wanted to give her a sense of the multi-layer complexity of the situation without scaring her. I told her that her daddy was not working. She was surprised, “What do you mean? Was he fired?” I explained that he was laid-off, not fired, but she was struggling to grasp the difference.

We spoke for quite a while and I trust that she felt heard and reassured after our conversation, but I was left feeling like I was walking a tightrope.

How could I balance it all?

I started my business because it’s my passion to connect and support fellow women and mom entrepreneurs, AND also to be available to my family. In the last few weeks, down a salary, and feeling the pressure of mounting bills and an increased pressure to succeed financially, I’ve not been as available to my children with my time or my energy. As I’ve shared this incident with Tasha, I’m still not perfectly clear on how to explain the realities of life to my children without unduly burdening them. I welcome your words of wisdom, as I know many others are experiencing these similar challenges and I’d love to share in that support.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 6th, 2009 at 7:57 pm and is filed under Entrepreneurial Moms & Women. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Kim,

    I agree -- very courageous post!

    I too, as a child, received very adult information which in turn caused me to grow up quickly. In my case, I feel my mom made a good decision. That opportunity to mature was done within the safety of my mom's relationship (vs hitting my first mature situations later out in the wide world on my own). The experience served me very well in life and strengthened my relationship with my mom.

    I believe our main jobs as parents are to love and teach.
    Most of the teaching happens through modeling.
    In that scene, it sounds like there were several positive things that were taught/modeled:
    * that we all make mistakes, a part of being human
    * how to apologize and resolve to do better next time
    * how to treat another person with respect and honesty
    * how to be brave enough to speak up about fears
    * how a family handles when a job is lost
    * how parents support each other and work together

    So many positives were taught there!
    Based on the mature tone of your daughter's email, it sounds like she can handle the information about the job loss and that it was an important step in your relationship and her growth.

    If it were me, I'd just also make sure to explain/demonstrate often over the next few weeks/months what measures you are taking to ensure she and the rest of your family are SAFE and that your love is unwavering.

    Then just be yourself and do a wonderful job of modeling which you apparently already do! I can see why she admires you most.

    Thank you for sharing this with us,

    Angelique
  • Kim,

    First off, I commend you for posting a very personal, very intimate issue on your blog. Takes a mighty courageous mom to do that!

    I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'm in the midst of raising four daughters, including a set of twins, all by myself. It's been one financial hardship to follow another that I've tried hard to keep from my children throughout all these years. But guess what? ...

    Children are much smarter and far more intuitive than we give them credit for. Without uttering one single word about financial struggles, my daughters ALWAYS know when something is troubling me ... even if I keep a smile on my face and walk around the house singing! It's as if they have mental telepathy or ESP.

    So it boils down to this - say something or don't say something - children are wise beyond their years.

    To the Magic and Meaningfulness of being a Mom!

    Melanie
  • Hi Kim,

    Oh the reality of real life! Although there are several topics here to touch on, I'll focus on two: 1) preparing the children for the shift in responsibilities and focus (temporarily); 2) clarifying the difference between "fired" and "laid off."

    1)When my husband was laid off the first time about 7 years ago (for 3.5 years!), we told our girls, then 17 & 8, that Dad was laid off, and that would mean a temporary shift in responsibilities. Although I already worked from home, and he worked from home 90% of the time, the main difference would be that I would concentrate more on building my business, and Dad would be looking for another job full-time WHILE taking some responsibilities from me around the house. We needed and asked for their patience with Dad and me, and although it seemed like Dad had more time, he really didn't, but this was something we as a family would be working on, praying about, and it would all work out in time. That's a short version.

    2) The scenario: If their school was short on money, and had to be run with less teachers, some teachers would have to be "laid off," meaning they could not afford to keep all the teachers anymore. It would be a hard decision who would have to leave and who would stay. The school made their decision based on a lot of things (giving some examples), but usually not about who they were or what they did or didn't do, but how the school could combine classrooms, and which teacher would have bigger classes.

    In the end, maybe some the favorite teachers would have to go. It's not even about what's fair. This is the case with their dad.

    If one of the classes was having problems with one of the teachers not doing a good job, coming in late or missing work for "poor" reasons, or even causing problems with other teachers....it would be best for the teachers and students, even the school, if that teacher were let go, because they were just not quite the best for everyone involved. This is about being fair to everyone at the school, and the teacher is "fired." This is not the case with their dad.

    So you have someone that is good for the school being "laid off" because of things they cannot control, and someone being "not good" for the school being "fired" because of things they CAN control, but chose not to.

    Either way, it's business and not personal.
    Hope this helps.
  • Sharing is always a matter of what works for your family. Actions mean more than words, so be prepared to give your daughter specific time to be together as much as words about what is going on. Compartmentalize so that when you are with her you are fully present and when you are working you are fully there. Being a mom we are always torn but you can share your stressors with her on the level she understands and make her feel important too! Happy organizing, Ellen
  • My son (9) loves spending time with me. It doesn't matter if I am on the computer working or doing dishes or just sitting -if I am giving him some attention, he is all over it. When I am working and he wants to see what I am doing, I let him sit with me and even explain everything that I am doing even though he may not understand some of it.

    Well, I thought that was enough! NOT!!! He still needed the type of attention that is stuff that he likes to do. And I figured this out in a weird way -he asked me if we could wake up 1 1/2 earlier the next day so we could watch a movie before he went to school.

    I am definitely not a morning person, but I did. And it was great. I really enjoyed our quality time together (HIS QUALITY TIME). Now we wake up every morning about 1 1/2 early and we do something that he wants to do. Yesterday we rode the bike for awhile. This morning we were just talking about turtles and surfing the internet researching how old turtles are -just because he was curious.

    I'm not sure if this would be something that you could do, but it's what has been working for me for the past three weeks.

    Hope that if it doesn't help, that at least it could give you an idea of working it out with you daughter.

    See you around...
    Follow me @VA502
  • I definitely agree that you owed Tasha an explanation. However, if you really looked at what happened, the bottom line is you lost focus of your priorities (family) and took for granted that which you love an value the most.

    Just as a child gets so involved in the TV or playing, grown ups sometimes get so involved in their work that they lose track of time. If Tasha is a child who can become so involved in TV or playing that when you call her or ask her to do something she replies, "one minute" or "what?" yet doesn't move from her TV viewing or playing, then I would have related the explanation to such an example.

    Losing focus of priorities and taking for granted those things and people we value and love is an important life lesson and can be taught/discussed with a child of any age. However, just my opinion, but discussing family finances is not a conversation I would include a 10 year old in.

    You have a very bright, aware and articulate little girl who obviously will do what it takes to express her feelings and get herself heard - that's a good thing. All of the above and the fact that she's confident in being able to freely express herself to you is validation of the great job you are doing as a Mom.

    Keep up the great job!
    AndreaC
  • Kim, I could feel my heart start to sink as I read your story. You are SO real which is such a wonderful quality! The only advice I can pass along is from a huge tragedy we had in our lives during a time when our children didn't understand what was going on. And moreover, we didn't want them to. They were younger than 10 at the time,though. Things were definitely off and they felt it. We didn't want to burden them with the pressures they would have felt, so instead we made up a "snuggly-time" game. It actually only took about a half an hour of time but the kids felt close and connected. We would just throw all of our bedding, pillows and stuffed animals on the floor and pile up together. Rolling around and tickling each other, pretending eachother's feet smelled, sometimes singing. Lots of silly play. But it worked and they felt calmer and so did I. That connection during those hard times was huge. Maybe find a fun-silly thing that would be quick as far as time but something she'll remember and laugh about. My kids remember our 'toxic mold house experience' but they also remember that silly squishy game too! Sometimes diversion is the best tool to use...All the best Kim!

    Julianne
  • WOW...I could have written this EXACT same post...

    My husband was also laid off in December and I really didn't want to tell my girls the hard facts. I figured that if I could work from home, then why couldn't we say the same about him?

    Well, that didn't fly for very long. My oldest is 12 and she has a way of asking and asking until you buckle down and tell her the truth. I sure didn't want to let on how nervous we were and they, too, struggled with the "fired" and "laid off" differences. So we did our best to keep a positive attitude.

    Thankfully, my husband found another job after 3 months of networking. I'm wishing your husband good luck in his job hunt. It's not easy but it is possible.

    Even before this incident I've struggled with balance. My 7 yr old has already asked me if I can take the summer off when they are out of school. I'll have to do some creative planning to make that happen ;)
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